Tuesday, 16 June 2015

"You are a whole" // "You are not a half"

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way I feel when it comes to relationships and the the self reflexivity I find in them. I believe that being with someone should not only be about you liking them, but about you liking yourself when you are with them. I believe that being with someone should not only be about you getting to know them, but about you getting to know who you are when you are with them. Being with someone should not only be about you finding them, but about you finding out who you are when you are with them, no cliche intended. Many people don't think about their personal growth, their wholeness. Instead we get lost in he idea of the big picture, thinking about the two people together as one relationship,  only seeing the relationship. What we're not seeing that there are two separate individual people involved. Don't be two halves that make up one whole. You are not a half person. Don't lose who you are. The moment that you become a half, you lose half of everything else as well. You alone are not a half, you are a whole.

There needs to be room for growth. I think of growing alone versus growing in a relationship a lot like nature. Roll with my analogy and hopefully you'll understand. You know those trees, the ones that are shaped in certain ways to fit with each other in pretty patterns (like in the image above), well as nice as they look, they look unnatural, too forced. For me, they are like relationships with people who grow together. If one tree dies, the other dies. If one tree leans on the other too much, one gets crushed. If they don't grow at the same pace, they both die. Trees that are forced to grow together, often live for a shorter time because the situation they are in is unhealthy and there is too much pressure. Now let's say that through all of that unlikelihood your relationship survives this initial growing time. You are forced to grow your whole lives, manipulated into something you're not. Instead of growing for yourself, you grow to fit with each other, to continue to fit in a forced way. There is no room for growth.  Why put yourself in that position? Be separate entities, grow side by side and let your branches gently touch at the top of the canopy while the wind sends your whispers to one another. But all analogies and poetic times of justice aside, there needs to be room for growth. You alone are not a half, you are a whole.

But on a side note, if you do become a half it won't last forever. If you are okay with giving up half of who you are in order to fit with another person, let me warn you now, it is not likely to last forever. Carl Jung, the psychologist, talked of halves and wholes in relationships. He talked of how in the first half of life relationships are more about support and balancing each other out, there is passion and sexual drive that contribute to this. In the second half of life there is a change. Relationships go from being about completing each other, to being your own person and the relationship is based on respect, more so than fiery passion. Most divorce happens at the turning point. People don't understand why they don't feel the same way about their 'other half,' anymore and with that, they leave the person they are unable to fit with anymore. But if there is always that element of respect, if there is always this idea of room to grow, then the change will be more slight, more unnoticeable. You alone are not a half, you are a whole.

This is so hard to write. To express exactly how I feel is impossible so bare with me. Of course there is room for dependence, that is human nature. But there is always the need for moderation, to not go flat out in the infatuation of it all. Careful not to Romeo and Juliet the world away. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just a sex-crazed, hormonal teen who is infatuated with her situation and somewhere deep inside I know it. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow feeling as whole as always. Even so, we all have these times. Step back Beatrice, take a deep breath and dive back into your world, the real world.

From the girl who is very on the fence about monogamy and
loves the ideas of polyamory more and more (a post for another day),
From Bea Tucks

1 comment:

  1. This is exactly it, this is what I've been telling myself and my friends. Before you decide to receive love, you have to love yourself first, be your own best friend, yourbiggest fan. In my opinion, you'll never get someone who fully loves and respects if you do not feel that way about yourself.
    Love articles like these, its so important to let men and women know that you do not need someone else to feel whole, loved or complete. x

    Thanks for your lovely comment btw